Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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