He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
