Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You smell like stripper and shame
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
