In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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