I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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