when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Two words: blizzard sex
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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