I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
