i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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