I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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