Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
