saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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