My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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