Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
