Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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