i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize