Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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