dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Randomize
