just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
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