i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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