I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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