i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
