So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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