I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
