omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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