he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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