At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize