A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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