I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize