I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
