Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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