he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
