My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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