Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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