he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
