Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
