for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
