there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
