saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
