i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
she peed on how many people?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
