You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
