He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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