Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
