There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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