Soap is not a condiment
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
