Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
