Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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