I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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