I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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