fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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