I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
