my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
