it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
