well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
