He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize