Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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