so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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