It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
