Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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