This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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