i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
