It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Dicks are not precious.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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