I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
