im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Randomize
