Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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