I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
