I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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