Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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