I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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