Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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