i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
