Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
